A stitch in my mouth

Sometimes I feel so socially retarted. For example, this whole weekend I had to go to family functions (Scott's family - not mine). I ALWAYS feel so out of place and bombarded when I'm with his family. They all hug and kiss eachother and I'm just so uncomfortable with that. My family just isn't like that. My mother and I don't even hug so it's just so strange to hug other people. Am I cold?

I don't know how to deal with this - I shut down and retreat into myself. And it's like they know I'm uncomfortable and force themselves on me all the more...it just makes me want to stay home.

Scott's sister's babyshower was yet another example of this. My mother and I chose a table on the far side of the room and Scott's mother's cousins came and sat with us. It was fine until one of them introduced herself to my mother. I didn't even think to introduce them because I couldn't remember if they had met before. My mother was like "OH, you're SO rude Katie!" and I said "Sorry, I thought you met eachother before..." So the whole day I had to go around introducing my mother to everyone and get bombarded with questions about my upcoming wedding. The same questions over and over again...

I know it means alot to Scott that I blend well with his family but I don't think I will ever be truly comfortable around them. I'm sensitive and manage to mask it with humor so they all think I'm much more solid and tough than I am. I don't think they ever consider that I may not be comfortable and don't want to be forced into conversation with people I hardly know.

I'm so upset because I know that our wedding will be the same way. Me being forced into an uncomfortable situation and worse because I'll be in the white dress. There's no escaping that. What can I do?

Let's get physical?

I know people that are only 60 years old and can barely walk and it scares the crap out of me. I want to live for a long time and that means taking better care of my body...I don't know why I'm feeling this way all of a sudden. Maybe I'm starting to feel my age creeping up on me. At 27 I am not as strong or energetic as I was at 20. I can feel the difference...Honestly, it's really hard to even think about being more active right now. We are both very busy people with our jobs and commutes but I feel like I have to try. I don't want to end up permanently damaging my health through inactivity - so making a conscious effort to become healthier has to start now.

I've started seriously working out and my body is aching so badly. It's a good ache though - not the ache of sitting in a chair all day long. Scott has been so supportive too! He goes to the gym with me every time I go (Though I suspect it is to make sure no one flirts with me). We had gotten into the habit of taking a walk after he picked me up at the train station which was nice and I enjoyed but it wasn't a real workout. So now we've started a routine of going to the gym for at least an hour a day, five days a week which is what I used to do once upon a time...

Back in the day I used to be able to do so much more physically. I was doing chest presses yesterday and was only lifting 60 pounds and I thought I was going to die - I used to be able to lift 100 pounds easily...well, I guess I'll just have to build up slowly.

I'll update on progress.

Can't Stop

I've been feeling physically kind of shitty lately. Every afternoon, around 3, I've been experiencing extreme exhaustion. I sleep a lot so I don't know why this has been happening... I put my head down on my desk today and felt sooo bad. I'm thinking that maybe it's because I don't take great care of my body. I sit at my desk all day and then go home and sit some more...I go to the gym like 2 or 3 times a week but that's really not enough to combat sitting all day. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something?

I did some research and bought some B12 and Folic Acid pills that might help with the exhaustion. We'll see what happens I guess. I don't know what else I can do right now except keep going.

Something like luck

I haven't written in awhile. I'm kind of in this lethargic mood. My brain is on sleep mode. I guess it's because I have a schedule that never deviates...I get up, get ready for work, hop on the train, hop on the shuttle, get to work, eat lunch, draw, answer the phone, get on the shuttle, get on the train again, go home and change for the gym, work out, come home, eat, shower, go to bed, repeat.

Yeah, I'm going to go back there again - is this all there really is? For now it is. Every moment can't be dazzling, can it? I can still dream. I am aware of how lucky I am to have a job at all in this economy...I see these desperate people who come off the streets and walk right into my office looking for work. I feel my luck and am grateful, believe me -life could be much worse. I know that my Master's degree isn't being used in the slighest but the fact that I have one is enough to keep me employed. It's my safety shield and my life preserver...I think my boss feels like he got a lot of "bang for his buck" in me, even though I'm not really using that "bang" so much these days.

It's not all that bad. Wedding plans keep me busy for most of the day. There is so much involved. Luckily I have a lot done already - my dress is hanging in my closet ready to go, we have the reception venue chosen, the flowers are taken care of, the dj, the caterer is booked, etc, etc. Now it's just the little things... We've decided not to take the cruise to Greece and Turkey. Instead we are flying to New Orleans and taking a cruise from there to Mexico, Peru, and Belize. I'm excited about laying on the beach all day and Scott is excited to see the Mayan temples. I'm probably most excited about finally getting to see New Orleans. There is a rich and sexy quality to that city that I want to explore. Who knows, I may convince Scott to move to the South after all.
Mexico...

Gorgeous moss covered trees, beautiful architecture...who wouldn't love this place?

Square Peg

I'm still sort of ashamed of myself about the whole 'not wanting to teach' thing. I mean, it is really embarassing, uncomfortable, and downright painful having to explain to people that I don't want to teach and that it was a lot more that I bargained for, too much in fact, and maybe a little bit too small of a role, all at the same time. They look at me like I'm a quitter or irresponsible or something. I'm fully aware of how foolish and childish I look. People probably think I'll just change my mind about it...like I always do about everything else. This is different. I know that teaching is not going to happen. I'm sure about this.

So what's Plan B? I guess it was never really Plan B in my heart. It was more of a Plan A that I repressed because I wanted to make everyone else happy and be a "respectable and contributing member of society with a real career". I am going to continue taking my graphic design classes and continue drawing and painting because that's what makes me happy and that is who I am.

Dare I say it? I am an artist. I was never meant for anything else. It sounds so silly to read those words out loud. I feel like a child saying "When I grow up I want to be an astronaut!" But, I guess some of the people that say that they want to be astronauts actually become astronauts when they grow up. This is no longer a childhood dream for me. I know how talented I am and I'm not going to waste it. Why can't anyone else see what I'm capable of? Why do people keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole just so they can feel better? I'm not afraid of my future so why should they be?

So for now? I keep working my day job in this gray corporate building. I pay off my student loans little by little. I keep working on my art, specifically my chess book and start looking for a publisher. My only option is to accept myself and use what God gave me and not repress and smother who I am and what I want for my life to satisfy other people's expectations.

And so, no one else is turning my screws but me.

The Bell Jar

In the book "The Bell Jar", the main character is a young college age girl. She's an overachiever and very smart. It's the 1960's and she is in New York City at a summer intership at some kind of "Better Homes and Gardens" type magazine. During the internship, she starts to feel this depression/panic closing in around her, covering her like a fly trapped inside a bell jar. She goes home expecting to get into this summer writing program and when she discovers that she didn't get into the program she has a total mental breakdown, the bell jar closing down upon her completely. It is only years later, after she's had intense therapy, that she realizes how bad things really were. The book ends with her being reminded that although the deep depression has lifted, it's always hovering somewhere nearby, waiting to come down upon her again.


Things are good right now. I'm over my funk of the last two weeks and am working on wedding plans, full speed ahead. I'm busy and happy and producing art but I know, I KNOW that the bell jar is waiting to come down again. I know that I won't ever be able to escape it. There is no cure, only management. It's so precarious. I feel like I'm running and my movement is the only thing that keeps me from falling, like riding a bike -an object in motion stays in motion.

I am told that my maternal grandmother was like me, very creative and suffered from depression. She was a total monster. I wonder what happened to her to turn her so wrong. I know she drank every night to medicate herself and my mother and her siblings suffered. I know that inside of me I have the potential to become that way but I'll never allow myself to get there. I was thinking about it - Would I give up the creativity if I could also get rid of the depression? Probably not. I know the burden of both but I could never live without either. I'm managing it I think.

Vitamin D

I got on the train yesterday feeling permanently bent into computer chair position, totally drained and nauscious. I had been raining for 12 days straight and I was wondering if it would ever end. But, thankfully, by the time I stepped off the train the sun had come out and it was warm and breezy. Scott was waiting to pick me up as usual, arm dangling ut the car window. We decided to go for a walk so I could stretch a little and get some sun. He parked downtown and after a quick trip to Dunkin for a coolatta, we walked through the side streets looking at houses. As we walked we started imagining what our dream house would look like and where it would be. We both agreed that we wanted to live in either Fairfield or Bethel on a quiet street where kids play outside unaffraid of traffic. On the top of my list of things I want in a house is a place where I can paint, prefferable a free standing building, like a barn. I also want an older house with lots of character - nothing after 1930. It must also have a porch, a room we can turn into a library (4 walls of built ins) and a decent sized yard. Everything else is negotiable on my part. What would you want in a dream house?

Below is my ultimate dream house - it's from the Father of the Bride movies. <3

Zen and Content

Lately I have been producing more work than ever. I think it's because I've been experiencing some inner turmoil and its my only way to work it out. Thinking about it now, every period of my life that has been stressful, painful, or depressing has brought out the best in me artistically. Periods of calm have left me with no desire to express myself creatively. So what will it be? Calm and asleep or upset and productive? I wonder why I can't seem to find a good balance and be able to think creatively in a zen state.

Here's a couple of drawings from today. A friend of mine had this quote up on his facebook page I let it inspire me in my drawing.

"On his birthday, the buddhist was very content after his cake because he and everyone else could then focus on the present moment."

I'd like to be able to focused on the moment and be content too.

Here's a gorgeous zen song to listen to. I don't understand Portugese but I love this song anyway. It's silky.

Rapture

The word "rapture" is defined as

1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.
2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.
3. The transporting of a person from one place to another, especially to heaven.

I have been stung and the lasting effect is this deep blue pool of calm. In fact, I am determined to never let myself be "transported by lofty emotions". I am never going to let my emotions carry me away again, I swear it. I don't think I can survive it again. It's all buisness from here on out. Practical, logical, no more nonsense. Being calm, collected, and cool is far better than being a train wreck.

Thanks Roseanne - I finally get it. Lesson learned.

The song below is one that I've been listening to a lot. Bob Dylan always sings like he's got it all figured out in a matter of fact sort of way.

Besame Mucho

Nothing provokes speculation more than the sight of a woman enjoying herself. Goodnight world!

Lover's Carvings

"Lovers' names, carved in walls
Overlap, start to merge
Some of them underneath
Maybe they appear
In graveyards
Maybe they fade away
Weathered and overgrown
Time has told
Meaningful hidden words
Suddenly appear, from the murk
Maybe they're telling us
That the end
Never was
Never will
The words have gone
But the meaning will never disappear
From the wall"

Lover's Carvings - Bibio

I love when it's warm, windy, and gray like it has been for the past couple of days. It's weather like this that is very condusive to creativity. I sit, look out the windows of my office building, and watch, always mulling things around in my head.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the people that have come into my life as if on a gray warm wind and then quickly blow out again. They have served a purpose in my life. Some have helped me, some have soothed a wound, some have taught a lesson. I wonder if I've been lucky enough to have really learned those lessons.

There have been many people like that in my life. In the past 3 months alone there have been 2 people like that.

Person #1: This person taught me something very valuable. I told him about my failed teaching career and how I learned too late that I don't want to teach. He said "Kate, I'm almost 40 and I am still discovering new things about myself everyday." Very astute. Why do we think self discovery and personal evolution stop at adulthood? His remark was eye opening. I appreciated that he didn't judge me. He just let me in on an amazing secret...it ain't over til it's over. Keep learning who you are.

Person #2: This person had some kind of inner grace and strength that I recognized and wanted to cultivate in myself. I was drawn to it from the start. This person taught me to stand still and appreciate. I was preoccupied with being a certain type of person and fitting into a mold and this person shook me out of that mindset. This person made me stop, look around, and just be still. I think I've learned that there is no perfect life, no perfect person to become, no perfect "thing" to have. You can't have everything, but if you're lucky you can have some things, hopefully the imprtant things that you really need. Through this brief friendship I was shown that the moments of beauty in between will always be worth living for. Be strong, strive to deserve goodness.

When I think about Person #2 I see a dandelion growing in the crack of a sidewalk, always reaching and striving for the light, happy to be alive.

Both of these people breezed in and out. I took what I needed from them and probably just gave them pain in return. I don't think...I know I gave them nothing but pain. I hope the Universe somehow pays them back for all their kindness and help since I know I will probably never be able to pay them back myself.

Here's my song of the day.

Keep Truckin'

I read this on someone's blog and it made me think. Anything that really makes you think is worth writing about, right?

"If you're going through hell...keep going." - Winston Churchill

Why do people need medication to cope with stressful situations? For most of my teenage and adult life I've been on and off antidepressants so I can't really pass any judgement. My problem was that I would dwell on things until they started to eat away at me. I'm a perfectionist by nature so this was a terrible combination - perfectionism and obsession don't mesh well. I'm ok now. I've learned how to cope with that aspect of my personality and diffuse it. So how can I question and criticize what once helped me? I mean, I recognize that many people really need that extra help and I know I would never have survived my teenage years without the drugs, lol, but a lot of people seem to jump on that bandwagon as soon as anything stressful happens. What I see is people looking for the easy way out through patching, medicating, and forgetting.

I think it's time to just face the faceable problems head first and work it out the old fashioned way. Go through it, live it, learn from it, keep going, keep loving, move on.

I could write a whole book about letting go of what's gone. Let's all do ourselves a favor a keep going, keep truckin'.

And so I transition to the Grateful Dead...

Letting go of darkness

Did anyone ever read the Secret? It's basically a (semi) self help book and video about being positive and using your thoughts and actions to get what you want in life . "What you think and say is what will be...so don't be negative or you will get negativity in your life" It seems like an easy thing to master but it isn't. I can't tell you how many times a day I find myself sinking into negativity which sucks. (See, there I go again...)

I remember seeing the video and thinking "What a load of crap!" but in retrospect, I've discovered that thoughts are more powerful than anything standing solid on this earth. Negative thoughts can take the strongest man and reduce him to a weeping mess. Negative thoughts can turn a confident woman into an insecure train wreck. So how do you blast yourself out of negativity? I guess the first thing is to account for everything that you are grateful for. In my own life I'm grateful that I'm intelligent and creative, have multiple college degrees, have a wonderful mother who supports me, a few close friends who I know would die for me, and a man who forgives my faults and doubts and still loves me at the end of the day even if I don't deserve it. When you think about it, that's a lot to be joyful about.

My dad was an alcoholic for a long time, still is. I'm not sure if you ever stop being one even if you haven't had a drink in 20 years. But anyway,  he used to go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and they had this whole system for getting through the addiction process that started with acceptance. Acceptance is saying "Yes, I have a problem. I recognize this. I'm going to do something about it. That's why I'm here." There was a mantra that they always said that I don't think I'll ever forgot. I'm not an alcoholic but I really feel like this saying applies to all areas of life and goes along with being a positive person.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I really feel the weight of these words in all of my being. Why dwell on what you can never fix? Why beat yourself up over things that you have zero control over? Understand and accept when to give up. And probably most importantly,   don't live in negativity and unhappiness if there is something that you can do  about the problem. Be grateful for the good in life and what you have...and don't stay in a dark place because you don't have the desire or willpower to change it. Start working on it. Patience and persistence will pay off in the end. And if you do all you can and nothing changes, you know that you tried and you can add that problem to the "Accept what I can't change" pile and move on, confident that you did all that you could do.


Today I'm trying to be upbeat and get on with the show. I think it's working :)

I've posted a song that I feel goes with what I'm saying - "Let Go" by FrouFrou. It kind of reminds me to let go of my negativity and appreciate beautiful things in the moment.

"drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

The Price You Pay

What do I know about marriage? I haven't had a good example of what a functional marriage looks like. I mean, I've seen my parents and their mess...oh what a mess it was. My father's parents...divorced. My uncles...divorced bitterly. Then I see Scott's parents, suburban and bored to death. (Maybe just boring to me - I don't know) I see Scott's sister having a baby (the next logical step). My sister and her kids (going through the motions)

What is the price that I have to pay to be married and still be who I am? What does self expression cost when you are in a marriage? I feel like marriage is an anchor that keeps you in harbor, keeps you safe and grounded, but still...keeps you back. I know it doesn't have to be this way. I know in my head that Scott will support me in everything I do...but will it be me always holding back, looking back, and thinking about how he would think or feel about everything I do? I don't know.

I love him, I really do. I just wish I had a guarantee that he will always respect my need for freedom. A guarantree that he will always accept my creativity and let me loose with it. I guess there are no guarantees in life.

Deja Vu

I'm not exactly sure what Deja Vu is - I just think of it as an unbearable uncomfortable (though short lived) feeling I get every once in awhile. This dread creeps over me and I feel like I've been in this moment before as if living a moment that you dreamed about in the past. This strange fluttering...
Last night was abnormal - I passed out cold and had crazy dreams. I don't remember what they were about but I do remember being grateful that I woke up and out of them this morning Then I had constant Deja Vu all day long. It started in the shower. I was washing my hair and almost doubled over. Then it happened again at my doctor's appointment, then driving down route 58 through the woods of Easton, at lunch, at Target, as I was coming in the door. It was terrible. My heart started pounding really fast and it was suddenly hard to breathe. I kept thinking "Oh God! Oh God just let it pass!"

 I think I'm losing it. Can this be stress related? Did I have a stroke? To bed now.

Cultivating A Gut Feeling

They say that as you get older you come to trust yourself more. Instinctively, you just know when something isn't right - you go with your gut. You just know when the decisions that you make feel right or wrong. It becomes easier and faster to make decisions because you've practiced this for a lifetime and because you know yourself better, accept your limitations...

I'm not sure I believe that. I feel like it was easier to make decisions when I was younger. Maybe it's because the choices were easier to make, less life altering,  or there were less things to choose from. I didn't think about consequences quite as much either. I was flying by the seat of my pants for a long time...maybe I should have thought things through more.  But I did what I did. Maybe the decisions I made were for the best and I just don't know it yet.


Here's what I know for sure in my gut:

I will  never teach in a classroom. I know in my whole being that it is not for me. No matter how many people try to push me in this direction I just know I am not meant for the profession. My mind needs peace to function and being pulled this way and that in a classroom won't give me that peace - it will be the exact opposite. I've tried to make myself love it. Square peg, round hole.

Who knows what I will use my education for. There is a scene in Jane Eyre where Jane is asked to teach in a village school. The town minister asks her to teach the simple peasant girls but warns her that she will be wasting her mind, and that her talents and knowledge won't be used at the school and that she is to teach the children the basics. Jane tells him that her knowledge won't be wasted. She will "put it away until it is needed." This gives me some peace in my heart. Who knows what will happen? Who knows what I will need to know to survive?

I'm trying really hard to cultivate and follow gut feelings in my life. My problem is that I see the good and the possibilities in every situation and I overthink it to death. I'm trying to put aside this balancing act and just focus on my gut feelings and do what feels right. It's really difficult.

Did anyone out there ever go against their gut and it turned out good? I don't think I've ever heard of this happening.

Here is my song for today. I know, I know...Katy Perry. But it fits my mood so well. This is my head on a daily basis.

Building a Business

Building a business and working a full time job is reaally difficult even if it is just a small side business. I have an etsy store where I sell hand decorated bridal shoes, bouquets, and other accessories and all of these things take a lot of time to make, more time than I have right now.

I really want to sell my creations! I enjoy making them and  put a lot of thought into everything I make. Everyone tells me I should/could be very successful...it's just the time factor. I'm really restless at work. I sit here and think of all the things I could be doing at home. Hopefully with my graphic design class over I'll have more free time. Is it bad that I wish I would get laid off so I could have an excuse to be home working on my own stuff?

Scott is so supportive even though I detect his annoyance at the fact that our living room is filled with bags of flowers and boxes of shoes piled sky high...he's so good to me.

Here's a sampling of my stuff! You can see more at http://www.etsy.com/shop/PaisleyArtObjects?ref=ss_profile

The Fairfield County Way

When most people think of Fairfield County, Connecticut they think of the life of the rich and leisurely - sweaters draped over shoulders, pepto bismol pink tennis skirts embroidered with tiny navy blue spouting whales. Some part of that conception is true and something I see everyday. The other part of that life is deeper and darker. What do those people do behind closed doors? Everything is different inside the golden cage. We are all in cages of our own making.

This weekend Scott and I went to the Dogwood Festival. It was basically a small local craft/antique fair in the Greenfield Hills neighborhood of Fairfield. Initially I wasn't looking forward to it but decided to go because I desperately needed to get out of the house and Scott wanted to prove that we don't always sit on the couch and watch tv. (I love this man so much. He would do anything to try and make me happy). We wandered beneath the flowering dogwood trees planted on this ancient town green and looked at the local art. We also did a fair bit of people watching and you guessed it, saw plenty of WASPy families enjoying the day - their children fresh from the face painting tent.

Can that idyllic life really be enough? Can any life really be enough? I was thinking about the past after we walked by a group of people dressed up as old colonial settlers. Back in the day people worked, struggled, worshipped God, had children, and died. We still do, we just don't have to struggle quite so much. Maybe we still do struggle but in different ways. Can that be all it really is?  What are we here for? For these brief and fleeting moments of beauty, joy, and love? It seems like a whole lot of work for those short bursts, don't you think? Sometimes I really wish I could turn off my head.

Here is a song I'm listening to now. It tells me that life is not just a progression to the inevitable. Maybe there is more to it after all? http://grooveshark.com/s/We+Are+All+Made+Of+Stars/1ZlVyW?src=5

Anyway, below are some pictures of the day.

Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liR9bW5hm2c

The brightly colored moth

Thinking about the things that I love.

I love doing things outside of the box to the vast disapointment of others (sometimes). I don't exactly try to do this on purpose, it's mostly just that the circumstances of my life have forced deviation from the norm which was upsetting when I was younger but not so much anymore. For example: My parents were divorced when I was young and my  mom and I were alone, my sister being grown up and living her own life and all other family living far away/ my father's family being crazy. To combat the feeling of being alone, just two, we developed a tradition of going to art museums in various cities on the "family" holidays - Who needs huge families when you can have an "experience"?

One Easter Sunday we went to the MoMA when it was in Queens. We saw a Picasso-Matisse exhibit and then we had dinner at a fabulous Middle Eastern restaurant with glass evil eye tiles all over the floors and walls. It was magical and original and so much better than anything before my father left the picture. There would be no more 'sitting on Grandma's couch eating pink bunny shaped cookies, dying to go home' for us! (Thank God) This is how we went on. It was as though we said "If you have disrupture in your life, go with it, make it your own. Use this to your advantage."  I embrace this.

So as you can imagine, I was so happy that Scott agreed to skip out on Easter at his mother's cousin's house and go into the city together for the weekend instead! New York City to be exact. (For all my non East Coast people -Everyone in the tri-state area just calls it "the city") It was refreshing to be out in the world doing something "else"! Even though circumstances have changed and there is now more that just me and my mother in the family I like being able to not get stuck in the boring holiday rut of drinking wine and sitting on couches talking to people you don't like that much "just because". I'm really trying not to always bend and end up doing things I don't want to do just to please other people. Sometimes you have to "just do you". My comfort level is being out in the world. Does that make sense?

Oh, all those years of feeling weird because it was just my mother and I on an adventure. Now, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for any bit of "normal". I could never go back to that kind of life. I hope Scott and his family don't mind. (We may have to miss some family functions, I hope that's ok.)

It was a wondeful weekend and really helped me recharge. Sunday was breezy and warm - finally Spring!
Below are a few pictures I took in Chinatown. The store is called "Pearl River". It's a huge three story building filled with gorgeous Chinese housewares, decor, etc. They even have a cafe and Asian market (my source for lavendar flavored gummy candies and crystalized ginger).

Also, Can I just remind you to not let weird circustances be the only reason you do things outside the box? Deviation can be so refreshing!

Living the Dream

When I sit here in my office my mind will sometimes play tricks on me. I can stare off into space and imagine myself almost anywhere...Today I'll be thinking about Paris. It's been ten years since I was there. Ten years ago today I was at Monet's gardens at Giverney. It was snowing in Paris but Giverney was in full bloom. I can't even explain how that first experience of traveling to Europe changed my life. My eyes were opened.

"The poison was in the wound, you see."

My heart aches at the weirdness of life. Ten years ago today I would never have imagined myself sitting behind this desk -I had bigger better plans. And now I've broken my own heart with how things have turned out. I wanted something different for myself. But we all have our limitations. I have all the talent and none of the drive.

So what now...I wonder where I will be sitting 10 years from now today. What will I be looking back on then? What transformations will have taken place by that point. I know they will take place. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago and ten years from now I'll be different from today. Will I have children? Will I even have the time to reflect or will life become too hectic and busy for that. I can only wonder. When will I know what I want or will I wander through life without ever being able to make solid decisions.

What do I really love doing? Where is the joy in my life? What can I not live without?

Selfish

I feel like I've wasted a lot of time doing things that make other people happy...and I'm done with that shit. I'm going to be a selfish bitch and do what I want.

Example? Grad School. I got a teaching degree because I was told that I was "good with kids and it would be a great job, great benies, summers off, etc." I hate teaching. It's a lot of work, exhausting work...and it sucks the life out of you until you become a robot. That was my feeling anyway. But yes, yes it was no one's fault but my own. I could have just studied graphic design and said fuck it to everyone else but I didn't. Stupid stupid!

But now? as I sit at my desk at my boring office job and feel reckless and the pull of regret all at the same time I'm reminded that it's never too late. Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was like 80 years old and at 27, it's not too late for me to become a graphic designer. And God dammit, I have talent that cuts right through my wasted years.

If I don't let myself be happy now, when?

Oh nerdy highschool days

When I was feeling particulary blue in high schools I'd post depressing song lyrics on my blog. So flashback 1999...

Belle and Sebastian - If she wants me

 Wrote a letter on a nothing day.
I asked somebody, “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope.”

I said goodbye to someone that I love.
It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us.
And it was hard,
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy.

Someone above has seen me do alright.
Someone above is looking with a tender eye.
Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

And far away somebody read the letter.
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him.
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all your curious nerve and your passion.

I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy.
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all.
But life is good and it’s always worth living at least for a while.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Than take the baton, and girl, you better run with it.
'Cause there is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with.

I took a book and went into the forest.
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you.
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

Quarter Life Crisis

I feel need to breathe
look around, assess, decide
Is this what I want?

Valentine Haiku

When I think of you
A good man, warm, kind, loving
The best of all things!

I love you Scooter

Haikus for Jews

Raabi called today
Are you converting or what?
Will Scott be happy?

Scott and I are getting married in October. At least we want to if we can find someone to marry us. Scott's Jewish and I'm a very very lapsed Catholic turned Baptist turned whatever. I don't want to be married by a justice of the peace, it seems "less official". Maybe that's the itty bitty piece of Catholic that I have left talking but that's how I feel. I want to be married by a religious figure of some variety. I've looked into converting to Judaism but it feels a little weird. How do you go from being one thing your whole life to being something else so suddenly and officially? How do you give up your beliefs and traditions (even if you didn't really believe in all of it)? Scott says he doesn't care what I do but I know deep down he does and I don't blame him. Don't you want your children to know "what" they are? If I become Jewish I will be doing it for all the wrong reasons but it will make Scott and his family happy. On the otherhand I will feel like I belong more than if I didn't convert. Is religion that important to me? Not really. But it seems weird to just jump on a different team when I never really cared about playing the game, even if that other teams wants me there.

Has anyone else out there been through this? Advice please!

Haikus for you

So I decided that it's too much work to actually blog everyday. I'm not a very good writer - no elloquence or catchy turns of phrase. Instead, I've decided to write daily haikus. Poems with 3 lines - the first has 5 lines, the 2nd has 7, and the last has 5. Here goes-



Watched clocks tick slowly,
Wonders how it came to be,
How can she fix this?

Hoarders Buried Alive

Every time I watch more than five minutes of that Hoarders show I get all panic stricken and have to ask myself if I too am "one of those freaks". I get up and start de-cluttering the condo - especially my closet. Tonight was one of those nights. I am determined not to keep things that I don't want "just because" So...I tried on everything and got rid of half my closet - most of which will end up on ebay. I'm tired of things in my life that are "just ok" and that means my personal appearance, my career aspirations, etc. I want something better.