The Bell Jar

In the book "The Bell Jar", the main character is a young college age girl. She's an overachiever and very smart. It's the 1960's and she is in New York City at a summer intership at some kind of "Better Homes and Gardens" type magazine. During the internship, she starts to feel this depression/panic closing in around her, covering her like a fly trapped inside a bell jar. She goes home expecting to get into this summer writing program and when she discovers that she didn't get into the program she has a total mental breakdown, the bell jar closing down upon her completely. It is only years later, after she's had intense therapy, that she realizes how bad things really were. The book ends with her being reminded that although the deep depression has lifted, it's always hovering somewhere nearby, waiting to come down upon her again.


Things are good right now. I'm over my funk of the last two weeks and am working on wedding plans, full speed ahead. I'm busy and happy and producing art but I know, I KNOW that the bell jar is waiting to come down again. I know that I won't ever be able to escape it. There is no cure, only management. It's so precarious. I feel like I'm running and my movement is the only thing that keeps me from falling, like riding a bike -an object in motion stays in motion.

I am told that my maternal grandmother was like me, very creative and suffered from depression. She was a total monster. I wonder what happened to her to turn her so wrong. I know she drank every night to medicate herself and my mother and her siblings suffered. I know that inside of me I have the potential to become that way but I'll never allow myself to get there. I was thinking about it - Would I give up the creativity if I could also get rid of the depression? Probably not. I know the burden of both but I could never live without either. I'm managing it I think.