The Bell Jar

In the book "The Bell Jar", the main character is a young college age girl. She's an overachiever and very smart. It's the 1960's and she is in New York City at a summer intership at some kind of "Better Homes and Gardens" type magazine. During the internship, she starts to feel this depression/panic closing in around her, covering her like a fly trapped inside a bell jar. She goes home expecting to get into this summer writing program and when she discovers that she didn't get into the program she has a total mental breakdown, the bell jar closing down upon her completely. It is only years later, after she's had intense therapy, that she realizes how bad things really were. The book ends with her being reminded that although the deep depression has lifted, it's always hovering somewhere nearby, waiting to come down upon her again.


Things are good right now. I'm over my funk of the last two weeks and am working on wedding plans, full speed ahead. I'm busy and happy and producing art but I know, I KNOW that the bell jar is waiting to come down again. I know that I won't ever be able to escape it. There is no cure, only management. It's so precarious. I feel like I'm running and my movement is the only thing that keeps me from falling, like riding a bike -an object in motion stays in motion.

I am told that my maternal grandmother was like me, very creative and suffered from depression. She was a total monster. I wonder what happened to her to turn her so wrong. I know she drank every night to medicate herself and my mother and her siblings suffered. I know that inside of me I have the potential to become that way but I'll never allow myself to get there. I was thinking about it - Would I give up the creativity if I could also get rid of the depression? Probably not. I know the burden of both but I could never live without either. I'm managing it I think.

Vitamin D

I got on the train yesterday feeling permanently bent into computer chair position, totally drained and nauscious. I had been raining for 12 days straight and I was wondering if it would ever end. But, thankfully, by the time I stepped off the train the sun had come out and it was warm and breezy. Scott was waiting to pick me up as usual, arm dangling ut the car window. We decided to go for a walk so I could stretch a little and get some sun. He parked downtown and after a quick trip to Dunkin for a coolatta, we walked through the side streets looking at houses. As we walked we started imagining what our dream house would look like and where it would be. We both agreed that we wanted to live in either Fairfield or Bethel on a quiet street where kids play outside unaffraid of traffic. On the top of my list of things I want in a house is a place where I can paint, prefferable a free standing building, like a barn. I also want an older house with lots of character - nothing after 1930. It must also have a porch, a room we can turn into a library (4 walls of built ins) and a decent sized yard. Everything else is negotiable on my part. What would you want in a dream house?

Below is my ultimate dream house - it's from the Father of the Bride movies. <3

Zen and Content

Lately I have been producing more work than ever. I think it's because I've been experiencing some inner turmoil and its my only way to work it out. Thinking about it now, every period of my life that has been stressful, painful, or depressing has brought out the best in me artistically. Periods of calm have left me with no desire to express myself creatively. So what will it be? Calm and asleep or upset and productive? I wonder why I can't seem to find a good balance and be able to think creatively in a zen state.

Here's a couple of drawings from today. A friend of mine had this quote up on his facebook page I let it inspire me in my drawing.

"On his birthday, the buddhist was very content after his cake because he and everyone else could then focus on the present moment."

I'd like to be able to focused on the moment and be content too.

Here's a gorgeous zen song to listen to. I don't understand Portugese but I love this song anyway. It's silky.

Rapture

The word "rapture" is defined as

1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.
2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.
3. The transporting of a person from one place to another, especially to heaven.

I have been stung and the lasting effect is this deep blue pool of calm. In fact, I am determined to never let myself be "transported by lofty emotions". I am never going to let my emotions carry me away again, I swear it. I don't think I can survive it again. It's all buisness from here on out. Practical, logical, no more nonsense. Being calm, collected, and cool is far better than being a train wreck.

Thanks Roseanne - I finally get it. Lesson learned.

The song below is one that I've been listening to a lot. Bob Dylan always sings like he's got it all figured out in a matter of fact sort of way.

Besame Mucho

Nothing provokes speculation more than the sight of a woman enjoying herself. Goodnight world!

Lover's Carvings

"Lovers' names, carved in walls
Overlap, start to merge
Some of them underneath
Maybe they appear
In graveyards
Maybe they fade away
Weathered and overgrown
Time has told
Meaningful hidden words
Suddenly appear, from the murk
Maybe they're telling us
That the end
Never was
Never will
The words have gone
But the meaning will never disappear
From the wall"

Lover's Carvings - Bibio

I love when it's warm, windy, and gray like it has been for the past couple of days. It's weather like this that is very condusive to creativity. I sit, look out the windows of my office building, and watch, always mulling things around in my head.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the people that have come into my life as if on a gray warm wind and then quickly blow out again. They have served a purpose in my life. Some have helped me, some have soothed a wound, some have taught a lesson. I wonder if I've been lucky enough to have really learned those lessons.

There have been many people like that in my life. In the past 3 months alone there have been 2 people like that.

Person #1: This person taught me something very valuable. I told him about my failed teaching career and how I learned too late that I don't want to teach. He said "Kate, I'm almost 40 and I am still discovering new things about myself everyday." Very astute. Why do we think self discovery and personal evolution stop at adulthood? His remark was eye opening. I appreciated that he didn't judge me. He just let me in on an amazing secret...it ain't over til it's over. Keep learning who you are.

Person #2: This person had some kind of inner grace and strength that I recognized and wanted to cultivate in myself. I was drawn to it from the start. This person taught me to stand still and appreciate. I was preoccupied with being a certain type of person and fitting into a mold and this person shook me out of that mindset. This person made me stop, look around, and just be still. I think I've learned that there is no perfect life, no perfect person to become, no perfect "thing" to have. You can't have everything, but if you're lucky you can have some things, hopefully the imprtant things that you really need. Through this brief friendship I was shown that the moments of beauty in between will always be worth living for. Be strong, strive to deserve goodness.

When I think about Person #2 I see a dandelion growing in the crack of a sidewalk, always reaching and striving for the light, happy to be alive.

Both of these people breezed in and out. I took what I needed from them and probably just gave them pain in return. I don't think...I know I gave them nothing but pain. I hope the Universe somehow pays them back for all their kindness and help since I know I will probably never be able to pay them back myself.

Here's my song of the day.

Keep Truckin'

I read this on someone's blog and it made me think. Anything that really makes you think is worth writing about, right?

"If you're going through hell...keep going." - Winston Churchill

Why do people need medication to cope with stressful situations? For most of my teenage and adult life I've been on and off antidepressants so I can't really pass any judgement. My problem was that I would dwell on things until they started to eat away at me. I'm a perfectionist by nature so this was a terrible combination - perfectionism and obsession don't mesh well. I'm ok now. I've learned how to cope with that aspect of my personality and diffuse it. So how can I question and criticize what once helped me? I mean, I recognize that many people really need that extra help and I know I would never have survived my teenage years without the drugs, lol, but a lot of people seem to jump on that bandwagon as soon as anything stressful happens. What I see is people looking for the easy way out through patching, medicating, and forgetting.

I think it's time to just face the faceable problems head first and work it out the old fashioned way. Go through it, live it, learn from it, keep going, keep loving, move on.

I could write a whole book about letting go of what's gone. Let's all do ourselves a favor a keep going, keep truckin'.

And so I transition to the Grateful Dead...

Letting go of darkness

Did anyone ever read the Secret? It's basically a (semi) self help book and video about being positive and using your thoughts and actions to get what you want in life . "What you think and say is what will be...so don't be negative or you will get negativity in your life" It seems like an easy thing to master but it isn't. I can't tell you how many times a day I find myself sinking into negativity which sucks. (See, there I go again...)

I remember seeing the video and thinking "What a load of crap!" but in retrospect, I've discovered that thoughts are more powerful than anything standing solid on this earth. Negative thoughts can take the strongest man and reduce him to a weeping mess. Negative thoughts can turn a confident woman into an insecure train wreck. So how do you blast yourself out of negativity? I guess the first thing is to account for everything that you are grateful for. In my own life I'm grateful that I'm intelligent and creative, have multiple college degrees, have a wonderful mother who supports me, a few close friends who I know would die for me, and a man who forgives my faults and doubts and still loves me at the end of the day even if I don't deserve it. When you think about it, that's a lot to be joyful about.

My dad was an alcoholic for a long time, still is. I'm not sure if you ever stop being one even if you haven't had a drink in 20 years. But anyway,  he used to go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and they had this whole system for getting through the addiction process that started with acceptance. Acceptance is saying "Yes, I have a problem. I recognize this. I'm going to do something about it. That's why I'm here." There was a mantra that they always said that I don't think I'll ever forgot. I'm not an alcoholic but I really feel like this saying applies to all areas of life and goes along with being a positive person.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I really feel the weight of these words in all of my being. Why dwell on what you can never fix? Why beat yourself up over things that you have zero control over? Understand and accept when to give up. And probably most importantly,   don't live in negativity and unhappiness if there is something that you can do  about the problem. Be grateful for the good in life and what you have...and don't stay in a dark place because you don't have the desire or willpower to change it. Start working on it. Patience and persistence will pay off in the end. And if you do all you can and nothing changes, you know that you tried and you can add that problem to the "Accept what I can't change" pile and move on, confident that you did all that you could do.


Today I'm trying to be upbeat and get on with the show. I think it's working :)

I've posted a song that I feel goes with what I'm saying - "Let Go" by FrouFrou. It kind of reminds me to let go of my negativity and appreciate beautiful things in the moment.

"drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

The Price You Pay

What do I know about marriage? I haven't had a good example of what a functional marriage looks like. I mean, I've seen my parents and their mess...oh what a mess it was. My father's parents...divorced. My uncles...divorced bitterly. Then I see Scott's parents, suburban and bored to death. (Maybe just boring to me - I don't know) I see Scott's sister having a baby (the next logical step). My sister and her kids (going through the motions)

What is the price that I have to pay to be married and still be who I am? What does self expression cost when you are in a marriage? I feel like marriage is an anchor that keeps you in harbor, keeps you safe and grounded, but still...keeps you back. I know it doesn't have to be this way. I know in my head that Scott will support me in everything I do...but will it be me always holding back, looking back, and thinking about how he would think or feel about everything I do? I don't know.

I love him, I really do. I just wish I had a guarantee that he will always respect my need for freedom. A guarantree that he will always accept my creativity and let me loose with it. I guess there are no guarantees in life.

Deja Vu

I'm not exactly sure what Deja Vu is - I just think of it as an unbearable uncomfortable (though short lived) feeling I get every once in awhile. This dread creeps over me and I feel like I've been in this moment before as if living a moment that you dreamed about in the past. This strange fluttering...
Last night was abnormal - I passed out cold and had crazy dreams. I don't remember what they were about but I do remember being grateful that I woke up and out of them this morning Then I had constant Deja Vu all day long. It started in the shower. I was washing my hair and almost doubled over. Then it happened again at my doctor's appointment, then driving down route 58 through the woods of Easton, at lunch, at Target, as I was coming in the door. It was terrible. My heart started pounding really fast and it was suddenly hard to breathe. I kept thinking "Oh God! Oh God just let it pass!"

 I think I'm losing it. Can this be stress related? Did I have a stroke? To bed now.

Cultivating A Gut Feeling

They say that as you get older you come to trust yourself more. Instinctively, you just know when something isn't right - you go with your gut. You just know when the decisions that you make feel right or wrong. It becomes easier and faster to make decisions because you've practiced this for a lifetime and because you know yourself better, accept your limitations...

I'm not sure I believe that. I feel like it was easier to make decisions when I was younger. Maybe it's because the choices were easier to make, less life altering,  or there were less things to choose from. I didn't think about consequences quite as much either. I was flying by the seat of my pants for a long time...maybe I should have thought things through more.  But I did what I did. Maybe the decisions I made were for the best and I just don't know it yet.


Here's what I know for sure in my gut:

I will  never teach in a classroom. I know in my whole being that it is not for me. No matter how many people try to push me in this direction I just know I am not meant for the profession. My mind needs peace to function and being pulled this way and that in a classroom won't give me that peace - it will be the exact opposite. I've tried to make myself love it. Square peg, round hole.

Who knows what I will use my education for. There is a scene in Jane Eyre where Jane is asked to teach in a village school. The town minister asks her to teach the simple peasant girls but warns her that she will be wasting her mind, and that her talents and knowledge won't be used at the school and that she is to teach the children the basics. Jane tells him that her knowledge won't be wasted. She will "put it away until it is needed." This gives me some peace in my heart. Who knows what will happen? Who knows what I will need to know to survive?

I'm trying really hard to cultivate and follow gut feelings in my life. My problem is that I see the good and the possibilities in every situation and I overthink it to death. I'm trying to put aside this balancing act and just focus on my gut feelings and do what feels right. It's really difficult.

Did anyone out there ever go against their gut and it turned out good? I don't think I've ever heard of this happening.

Here is my song for today. I know, I know...Katy Perry. But it fits my mood so well. This is my head on a daily basis.

Building a Business

Building a business and working a full time job is reaally difficult even if it is just a small side business. I have an etsy store where I sell hand decorated bridal shoes, bouquets, and other accessories and all of these things take a lot of time to make, more time than I have right now.

I really want to sell my creations! I enjoy making them and  put a lot of thought into everything I make. Everyone tells me I should/could be very successful...it's just the time factor. I'm really restless at work. I sit here and think of all the things I could be doing at home. Hopefully with my graphic design class over I'll have more free time. Is it bad that I wish I would get laid off so I could have an excuse to be home working on my own stuff?

Scott is so supportive even though I detect his annoyance at the fact that our living room is filled with bags of flowers and boxes of shoes piled sky high...he's so good to me.

Here's a sampling of my stuff! You can see more at http://www.etsy.com/shop/PaisleyArtObjects?ref=ss_profile

The Fairfield County Way

When most people think of Fairfield County, Connecticut they think of the life of the rich and leisurely - sweaters draped over shoulders, pepto bismol pink tennis skirts embroidered with tiny navy blue spouting whales. Some part of that conception is true and something I see everyday. The other part of that life is deeper and darker. What do those people do behind closed doors? Everything is different inside the golden cage. We are all in cages of our own making.

This weekend Scott and I went to the Dogwood Festival. It was basically a small local craft/antique fair in the Greenfield Hills neighborhood of Fairfield. Initially I wasn't looking forward to it but decided to go because I desperately needed to get out of the house and Scott wanted to prove that we don't always sit on the couch and watch tv. (I love this man so much. He would do anything to try and make me happy). We wandered beneath the flowering dogwood trees planted on this ancient town green and looked at the local art. We also did a fair bit of people watching and you guessed it, saw plenty of WASPy families enjoying the day - their children fresh from the face painting tent.

Can that idyllic life really be enough? Can any life really be enough? I was thinking about the past after we walked by a group of people dressed up as old colonial settlers. Back in the day people worked, struggled, worshipped God, had children, and died. We still do, we just don't have to struggle quite so much. Maybe we still do struggle but in different ways. Can that be all it really is?  What are we here for? For these brief and fleeting moments of beauty, joy, and love? It seems like a whole lot of work for those short bursts, don't you think? Sometimes I really wish I could turn off my head.

Here is a song I'm listening to now. It tells me that life is not just a progression to the inevitable. Maybe there is more to it after all? http://grooveshark.com/s/We+Are+All+Made+Of+Stars/1ZlVyW?src=5

Anyway, below are some pictures of the day.