Thursday, April 28, 2011
The brightly colored moth
Thinking about the things that I love.
I love doing things outside of the box to the vast disapointment of others (sometimes). I don't exactly try to do this on purpose, it's mostly just that the circumstances of my life have forced deviation from the norm which was upsetting when I was younger but not so much anymore. For example: My parents were divorced when I was young and my mom and I were alone, my sister being grown up and living her own life and all other family living far away/ my father's family being crazy. To combat the feeling of being alone, just two, we developed a tradition of going to art museums in various cities on the "family" holidays - Who needs huge families when you can have an "experience"?
One Easter Sunday we went to the MoMA when it was in Queens. We saw a Picasso-Matisse exhibit and then we had dinner at a fabulous Middle Eastern restaurant with glass evil eye tiles all over the floors and walls. It was magical and original and so much better than anything before my father left the picture. There would be no more 'sitting on Grandma's couch eating pink bunny shaped cookies, dying to go home' for us! (Thank God) This is how we went on. It was as though we said "If you have disrupture in your life, go with it, make it your own. Use this to your advantage." I embrace this.
So as you can imagine, I was so happy that Scott agreed to skip out on Easter at his mother's cousin's house and go into the city together for the weekend instead! New York City to be exact. (For all my non East Coast people -Everyone in the tri-state area just calls it "the city") It was refreshing to be out in the world doing something "else"! Even though circumstances have changed and there is now more that just me and my mother in the family I like being able to not get stuck in the boring holiday rut of drinking wine and sitting on couches talking to people you don't like that much "just because". I'm really trying not to always bend and end up doing things I don't want to do just to please other people. Sometimes you have to "just do you". My comfort level is being out in the world. Does that make sense?
Oh, all those years of feeling weird because it was just my mother and I on an adventure. Now, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for any bit of "normal". I could never go back to that kind of life. I hope Scott and his family don't mind. (We may have to miss some family functions, I hope that's ok.)
It was a wondeful weekend and really helped me recharge. Sunday was breezy and warm - finally Spring!
Below are a few pictures I took in Chinatown. The store is called "Pearl River". It's a huge three story building filled with gorgeous Chinese housewares, decor, etc. They even have a cafe and Asian market (my source for lavendar flavored gummy candies and crystalized ginger).
I love doing things outside of the box to the vast disapointment of others (sometimes). I don't exactly try to do this on purpose, it's mostly just that the circumstances of my life have forced deviation from the norm which was upsetting when I was younger but not so much anymore. For example: My parents were divorced when I was young and my mom and I were alone, my sister being grown up and living her own life and all other family living far away/ my father's family being crazy. To combat the feeling of being alone, just two, we developed a tradition of going to art museums in various cities on the "family" holidays - Who needs huge families when you can have an "experience"?
One Easter Sunday we went to the MoMA when it was in Queens. We saw a Picasso-Matisse exhibit and then we had dinner at a fabulous Middle Eastern restaurant with glass evil eye tiles all over the floors and walls. It was magical and original and so much better than anything before my father left the picture. There would be no more 'sitting on Grandma's couch eating pink bunny shaped cookies, dying to go home' for us! (Thank God) This is how we went on. It was as though we said "If you have disrupture in your life, go with it, make it your own. Use this to your advantage." I embrace this.
So as you can imagine, I was so happy that Scott agreed to skip out on Easter at his mother's cousin's house and go into the city together for the weekend instead! New York City to be exact. (For all my non East Coast people -Everyone in the tri-state area just calls it "the city") It was refreshing to be out in the world doing something "else"! Even though circumstances have changed and there is now more that just me and my mother in the family I like being able to not get stuck in the boring holiday rut of drinking wine and sitting on couches talking to people you don't like that much "just because". I'm really trying not to always bend and end up doing things I don't want to do just to please other people. Sometimes you have to "just do you". My comfort level is being out in the world. Does that make sense?
Oh, all those years of feeling weird because it was just my mother and I on an adventure. Now, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for any bit of "normal". I could never go back to that kind of life. I hope Scott and his family don't mind. (We may have to miss some family functions, I hope that's ok.)
It was a wondeful weekend and really helped me recharge. Sunday was breezy and warm - finally Spring!
Below are a few pictures I took in Chinatown. The store is called "Pearl River". It's a huge three story building filled with gorgeous Chinese housewares, decor, etc. They even have a cafe and Asian market (my source for lavendar flavored gummy candies and crystalized ginger).
Also, Can I just remind you to not let weird circustances be the only reason you do things outside the box? Deviation can be so refreshing!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Living the Dream
When I sit here in my office my mind will sometimes play tricks on me. I can stare off into space and imagine myself almost anywhere...Today I'll be thinking about Paris. It's been ten years since I was there. Ten years ago today I was at Monet's gardens at Giverney. It was snowing in Paris but Giverney was in full bloom. I can't even explain how that first experience of traveling to Europe changed my life. My eyes were opened.
"The poison was in the wound, you see."
My heart aches at the weirdness of life. Ten years ago today I would never have imagined myself sitting behind this desk -I had bigger better plans. And now I've broken my own heart with how things have turned out. I wanted something different for myself. But we all have our limitations. I have all the talent and none of the drive.
So what now...I wonder where I will be sitting 10 years from now today. What will I be looking back on then? What transformations will have taken place by that point. I know they will take place. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago and ten years from now I'll be different from today. Will I have children? Will I even have the time to reflect or will life become too hectic and busy for that. I can only wonder. When will I know what I want or will I wander through life without ever being able to make solid decisions.
What do I really love doing? Where is the joy in my life? What can I not live without?
"The poison was in the wound, you see."
My heart aches at the weirdness of life. Ten years ago today I would never have imagined myself sitting behind this desk -I had bigger better plans. And now I've broken my own heart with how things have turned out. I wanted something different for myself. But we all have our limitations. I have all the talent and none of the drive.
So what now...I wonder where I will be sitting 10 years from now today. What will I be looking back on then? What transformations will have taken place by that point. I know they will take place. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago and ten years from now I'll be different from today. Will I have children? Will I even have the time to reflect or will life become too hectic and busy for that. I can only wonder. When will I know what I want or will I wander through life without ever being able to make solid decisions.
What do I really love doing? Where is the joy in my life? What can I not live without?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Selfish
I feel like I've wasted a lot of time doing things that make other people happy...and I'm done with that shit. I'm going to be a selfish bitch and do what I want.
Example? Grad School. I got a teaching degree because I was told that I was "good with kids and it would be a great job, great benies, summers off, etc." I hate teaching. It's a lot of work, exhausting work...and it sucks the life out of you until you become a robot. That was my feeling anyway. But yes, yes it was no one's fault but my own. I could have just studied graphic design and said fuck it to everyone else but I didn't. Stupid stupid!
But now? as I sit at my desk at my boring office job and feel reckless and the pull of regret all at the same time I'm reminded that it's never too late. Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was like 80 years old and at 27, it's not too late for me to become a graphic designer. And God dammit, I have talent that cuts right through my wasted years.
If I don't let myself be happy now, when?
Example? Grad School. I got a teaching degree because I was told that I was "good with kids and it would be a great job, great benies, summers off, etc." I hate teaching. It's a lot of work, exhausting work...and it sucks the life out of you until you become a robot. That was my feeling anyway. But yes, yes it was no one's fault but my own. I could have just studied graphic design and said fuck it to everyone else but I didn't. Stupid stupid!
But now? as I sit at my desk at my boring office job and feel reckless and the pull of regret all at the same time I'm reminded that it's never too late. Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was like 80 years old and at 27, it's not too late for me to become a graphic designer. And God dammit, I have talent that cuts right through my wasted years.
If I don't let myself be happy now, when?
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