never give up

So just when I thought teaching was awful and any chance of getting into a decent school system an impossible feat I got a break. I've just added on a new school system to my list of schools that I substitute teach for. I feared would be just like the inner city district I work for  - schools filled with children who stab each other with pencils at will (see last blog for that story). As it turns out the new district is a really good school system and they are looking for a long term art substitute which is just what I've been wanting to do. I had an interview at another school system back in August where I was told that although I had an amazing GPA, great references, had a dual certification, and had student taught in a 2nd grade class I needed more art teaching experience in the form of a long term subbing assignment. I hope this works out...If not I've applied for about 15 other jobs. I have an interview today with a marketing group. It could work with my art background but lets face it - I am definitely not a corporate person. Then there is a career counselor position at a local college and a college recruiter gig at the University of Bridgeport (where I went to grad school) If they don't hire me it would be absolutely blasphemous. So here I am hanging on by a thread. I guess I'm just going to keep rolling. I wish I had this kind of fortitude back in high school -but that is another blog completely.

Substitute

Today was the worst day ever. I subbed in a 5th grade class in a semi inner city area. The kids were absolutely horrible and the whole day dragged on and on with me yelling through most of it. During social studies, about an hour before the day was over, two of the boys decided to stab eachother with pencils while I had my back turned. Of course I feel terribly incompetent but really what could I do? Shouldn't I be able to walk across the classroom to help another student with the classwork without fearing that 10 and 11 year olds will stab eachother? Long story short - one of the kids started crying and the other one (the stabber) realized he was in deep shit and started crying too saying the stabbee had stabbed him too. What a nightmare. I sent both to the nurse where they both got yelled at by the principal. UGH

I keep having dreams where I tell myself "You are unhappy, who cares if you have a teaching degree, who cares if you only ever work a job that pays minimum wage as long as you're happy, you don't HAVE to do this anymore."

Oceans

 Two big panels that used to hang over my couch. They're about 2.5 by 5 feet each. You can see the 2 separate panels. I was really into color blends then - not like my usual stuff.

Just roll with it

So here's life right now-
I am over 70k in student loan debt and that scares the crap out of me.
I have a master's degree in teaching but I don't know if I really want to teach. (I don't know if I have the patience and secretly I'm afraid of that kind of responsibility) but I have no other job skills.
I'm substitute teaching because I can't find a job and it's horrible.
I live with my fiance and love him to death but he is basically supporting me and I feel weird about that. ( I don't like to rely on anyone that much.)
I want a career in art. Sometimes I have these uncontrollable urges to create and then I don't and then I get depressed because I know I'm very talented.
I'm thinking of going back to school to study graphic design but I feel stupid for getting a master's degree that I don't want to use, nevermind going back for more.
Most of the time I feel stupid and unable to get out in words what I need to say.
Is everyone else that I know so much more successful and settled in their lives than I am? Is the "there" so much better than the "here"? I want to be more appreciative of what I have but I can't shake it.