Lately I have been producing more work than ever. I think it's because I've been experiencing some inner turmoil and its my only way to work it out. Thinking about it now, every period of my life that has been stressful, painful, or depressing has brought out the best in me artistically. Periods of calm have left me with no desire to express myself creatively. So what will it be? Calm and asleep or upset and productive? I wonder why I can't seem to find a good balance and be able to think creatively in a zen state.
Here's a couple of drawings from today. A friend of mine had this quote up on his facebook page I let it inspire me in my drawing.
"On his birthday, the buddhist was very content after his cake because he and everyone else could then focus on the present moment."
I'd like to be able to focused on the moment and be content too.
Here's a gorgeous zen song to listen to. I don't understand Portugese but I love this song anyway. It's silky.
1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.
2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.
3. The transporting of a person from one place to another, especially to heaven.
I have been stung and the lasting effect is this deep blue pool of calm. In fact, I am determined to never let myself be "transported by lofty emotions". I am never going to let my emotions carry me away again, I swear it. I don't think I can survive it again. It's all buisness from here on out. Practical, logical, no more nonsense. Being calm, collected, and cool is far better than being a train wreck.
Thanks Roseanne - I finally get it. Lesson learned.
The song below is one that I've been listening to a lot. Bob Dylan always sings like he's got it all figured out in a matter of fact sort of way.
"Lovers' names, carved in walls
Overlap, start to merge
Some of them underneath
Maybe they appear
In graveyards
Maybe they fade away
Weathered and overgrown
Time has told
Meaningful hidden words
Suddenly appear, from the murk
Maybe they're telling us
That the end
Never was
Never will
The words have gone
But the meaning will never disappear
From the wall"
Lover's Carvings - Bibio
I love when it's warm, windy, and gray like it has been for the past couple of days. It's weather like this that is very condusive to creativity. I sit, look out the windows of my office building, and watch, always mulling things around in my head.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the people that have come into my life as if on a gray warm wind and then quickly blow out again. They have served a purpose in my life. Some have helped me, some have soothed a wound, some have taught a lesson. I wonder if I've been lucky enough to have really learned those lessons.
There have been many people like that in my life. In the past 3 months alone there have been 2 people like that.
Person #1: This person taught me something very valuable. I told him about my failed teaching career and how I learned too late that I don't want to teach. He said "Kate, I'm almost 40 and I am still discovering new things about myself everyday." Very astute. Why do we think self discovery and personal evolution stop at adulthood? His remark was eye opening. I appreciated that he didn't judge me. He just let me in on an amazing secret...it ain't over til it's over. Keep learning who you are.
Person #2: This person had some kind of inner grace and strength that I recognized and wanted to cultivate in myself. I was drawn to it from the start. This person taught me to stand still and appreciate. I was preoccupied with being a certain type of person and fitting into a mold and this person shook me out of that mindset. This person made me stop, look around, and just be still. I think I've learned that there is no perfect life, no perfect person to become, no perfect "thing" to have. You can't have everything, but if you're lucky you can have some things, hopefully the imprtant things that you really need. Through this brief friendship I was shown that the moments of beauty in between will always be worth living for. Be strong, strive to deserve goodness.
When I think about Person #2 I see a dandelion growing in the crack of a sidewalk, always reaching and striving for the light, happy to be alive.
Both of these people breezed in and out. I took what I needed from them and probably just gave them pain in return. I don't think...I know I gave them nothing but pain. I hope the Universe somehow pays them back for all their kindness and help since I know I will probably never be able to pay them back myself.
I read this on someone's blog and it made me think. Anything that really makes you think is worth writing about, right?
"If you're going through hell...keep going." - Winston Churchill
Why do people need medication to cope with stressful situations? For most of my teenage and adult life I've been on and off antidepressants so I can't really pass any judgement. My problem was that I would dwell on things until they started to eat away at me. I'm a perfectionist by nature so this was a terrible combination - perfectionism and obsession don't mesh well. I'm ok now. I've learned how to cope with that aspect of my personality and diffuse it. So how can I question and criticize what once helped me? I mean, I recognize that many people really need that extra help and I know I would never have survived my teenage years without the drugs, lol, but a lot of people seem to jump on that bandwagon as soon as anything stressful happens. What I see is people looking for the easy way out through patching, medicating, and forgetting.
I think it's time to just face the faceable problems head first and work it out the old fashioned way. Go through it, live it, learn from it, keep going, keep loving, move on.
I could write a whole book about letting go of what's gone. Let's all do ourselves a favor a keep going, keep truckin'.
Did anyone ever read the Secret? It's basically a (semi) self help book and video about being positive and using your thoughts and actions to get what you want in life . "What you think and say is what will be...so don't be negative or you will get negativity in your life" It seems like an easy thing to master but it isn't. I can't tell you how many times a day I find myself sinking into negativity which sucks. (See, there I go again...)
I remember seeing the video and thinking "What a load of crap!" but in retrospect, I've discovered that thoughts are more powerful than anything standing solid on this earth. Negative thoughts can take the strongest man and reduce him to a weeping mess. Negative thoughts can turn a confident woman into an insecure train wreck. So how do you blast yourself out of negativity? I guess the first thing is to account for everything that you are grateful for. In my own life I'm grateful that I'm intelligent and creative, have multiple college degrees, have a wonderful mother who supports me, a few close friends who I know would die for me, and a man who forgives my faults and doubts and still loves me at the end of the day even if I don't deserve it. When you think about it, that's a lot to be joyful about.
My dad was an alcoholic for a long time, still is. I'm not sure if you ever stop being one even if you haven't had a drink in 20 years. But anyway, he used to go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and they had this whole system for getting through the addiction process that started with acceptance. Acceptance is saying "Yes, I have a problem. I recognize this. I'm going to do something about it. That's why I'm here." There was a mantra that they always said that I don't think I'll ever forgot. I'm not an alcoholic but I really feel like this saying applies to all areas of life and goes along with being a positive person.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I really feel the weight of these words in all of my being. Why dwell on what you can never fix? Why beat yourself up over things that you have zero control over? Understand and accept when to give up. And probably most importantly, don't live in negativity and unhappiness if there is something that you can do about the problem. Be grateful for the good in life and what you have...and don't stay in a dark place because you don't have the desire or willpower to change it. Start working on it. Patience and persistence will pay off in the end. And if you do all you can and nothing changes, you know that you tried and you can add that problem to the "Accept what I can't change" pile and move on, confident that you did all that you could do.
Today I'm trying to be upbeat and get on with the show. I think it's working :)
I've posted a song that I feel goes with what I'm saying - "Let Go" by FrouFrou. It kind of reminds me to let go of my negativity and appreciate beautiful things in the moment.
"drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
What do I know about marriage? I haven't had a good example of what a functional marriage looks like. I mean, I've seen my parents and their mess...oh what a mess it was. My father's parents...divorced. My uncles...divorced bitterly. Then I see Scott's parents, suburban and bored to death. (Maybe just boring to me - I don't know) I see Scott's sister having a baby (the next logical step). My sister and her kids (going through the motions)
What is the price that I have to pay to be married and still be who I am? What does self expression cost when you are in a marriage? I feel like marriage is an anchor that keeps you in harbor, keeps you safe and grounded, but still...keeps you back. I know it doesn't have to be this way. I know in my head that Scott will support me in everything I do...but will it be me always holding back, looking back, and thinking about how he would think or feel about everything I do? I don't know.
I love him, I really do. I just wish I had a guarantee that he will always respect my need for freedom. A guarantree that he will always accept my creativity and let me loose with it. I guess there are no guarantees in life.
