Square Peg

I'm still sort of ashamed of myself about the whole 'not wanting to teach' thing. I mean, it is really embarassing, uncomfortable, and downright painful having to explain to people that I don't want to teach and that it was a lot more that I bargained for, too much in fact, and maybe a little bit too small of a role, all at the same time. They look at me like I'm a quitter or irresponsible or something. I'm fully aware of how foolish and childish I look. People probably think I'll just change my mind about it...like I always do about everything else. This is different. I know that teaching is not going to happen. I'm sure about this.

So what's Plan B? I guess it was never really Plan B in my heart. It was more of a Plan A that I repressed because I wanted to make everyone else happy and be a "respectable and contributing member of society with a real career". I am going to continue taking my graphic design classes and continue drawing and painting because that's what makes me happy and that is who I am.

Dare I say it? I am an artist. I was never meant for anything else. It sounds so silly to read those words out loud. I feel like a child saying "When I grow up I want to be an astronaut!" But, I guess some of the people that say that they want to be astronauts actually become astronauts when they grow up. This is no longer a childhood dream for me. I know how talented I am and I'm not going to waste it. Why can't anyone else see what I'm capable of? Why do people keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole just so they can feel better? I'm not afraid of my future so why should they be?

So for now? I keep working my day job in this gray corporate building. I pay off my student loans little by little. I keep working on my art, specifically my chess book and start looking for a publisher. My only option is to accept myself and use what God gave me and not repress and smother who I am and what I want for my life to satisfy other people's expectations.

And so, no one else is turning my screws but me.