I'm not exactly sure what Deja Vu is - I just think of it as an unbearable uncomfortable (though short lived) feeling I get every once in awhile. This dread creeps over me and I feel like I've been in this moment before as if living a moment that you dreamed about in the past. This strange fluttering...
Last night was abnormal - I passed out cold and had crazy dreams. I don't remember what they were about but I do remember being grateful that I woke up and out of them this morning Then I had constant Deja Vu all day long. It started in the shower. I was washing my hair and almost doubled over. Then it happened again at my doctor's appointment, then driving down route 58 through the woods of Easton, at lunch, at Target, as I was coming in the door. It was terrible. My heart started pounding really fast and it was suddenly hard to breathe. I kept thinking "Oh God! Oh God just let it pass!"
I think I'm losing it. Can this be stress related? Did I have a stroke? To bed now.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Cultivating A Gut Feeling
They say that as you get older you come to trust yourself more. Instinctively, you just know when something isn't right - you go with your gut. You just know when the decisions that you make feel right or wrong. It becomes easier and faster to make decisions because you've practiced this for a lifetime and because you know yourself better, accept your limitations...
I'm not sure I believe that. I feel like it was easier to make decisions when I was younger. Maybe it's because the choices were easier to make, less life altering, or there were less things to choose from. I didn't think about consequences quite as much either. I was flying by the seat of my pants for a long time...maybe I should have thought things through more. But I did what I did. Maybe the decisions I made were for the best and I just don't know it yet.
Here's what I know for sure in my gut:
I will never teach in a classroom. I know in my whole being that it is not for me. No matter how many people try to push me in this direction I just know I am not meant for the profession. My mind needs peace to function and being pulled this way and that in a classroom won't give me that peace - it will be the exact opposite. I've tried to make myself love it. Square peg, round hole.
Who knows what I will use my education for. There is a scene in Jane Eyre where Jane is asked to teach in a village school. The town minister asks her to teach the simple peasant girls but warns her that she will be wasting her mind, and that her talents and knowledge won't be used at the school and that she is to teach the children the basics. Jane tells him that her knowledge won't be wasted. She will "put it away until it is needed." This gives me some peace in my heart. Who knows what will happen? Who knows what I will need to know to survive?
I'm trying really hard to cultivate and follow gut feelings in my life. My problem is that I see the good and the possibilities in every situation and I overthink it to death. I'm trying to put aside this balancing act and just focus on my gut feelings and do what feels right. It's really difficult.
Did anyone out there ever go against their gut and it turned out good? I don't think I've ever heard of this happening.
Here is my song for today. I know, I know...Katy Perry. But it fits my mood so well. This is my head on a daily basis.
I'm not sure I believe that. I feel like it was easier to make decisions when I was younger. Maybe it's because the choices were easier to make, less life altering, or there were less things to choose from. I didn't think about consequences quite as much either. I was flying by the seat of my pants for a long time...maybe I should have thought things through more. But I did what I did. Maybe the decisions I made were for the best and I just don't know it yet.
Here's what I know for sure in my gut:
I will never teach in a classroom. I know in my whole being that it is not for me. No matter how many people try to push me in this direction I just know I am not meant for the profession. My mind needs peace to function and being pulled this way and that in a classroom won't give me that peace - it will be the exact opposite. I've tried to make myself love it. Square peg, round hole.
Who knows what I will use my education for. There is a scene in Jane Eyre where Jane is asked to teach in a village school. The town minister asks her to teach the simple peasant girls but warns her that she will be wasting her mind, and that her talents and knowledge won't be used at the school and that she is to teach the children the basics. Jane tells him that her knowledge won't be wasted. She will "put it away until it is needed." This gives me some peace in my heart. Who knows what will happen? Who knows what I will need to know to survive?
I'm trying really hard to cultivate and follow gut feelings in my life. My problem is that I see the good and the possibilities in every situation and I overthink it to death. I'm trying to put aside this balancing act and just focus on my gut feelings and do what feels right. It's really difficult.
Did anyone out there ever go against their gut and it turned out good? I don't think I've ever heard of this happening.
Here is my song for today. I know, I know...Katy Perry. But it fits my mood so well. This is my head on a daily basis.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Building a Business
Building a business and working a full time job is reaally difficult even if it is just a small side business. I have an etsy store where I sell hand decorated bridal shoes, bouquets, and other accessories and all of these things take a lot of time to make, more time than I have right now.
I really want to sell my creations! I enjoy making them and put a lot of thought into everything I make. Everyone tells me I should/could be very successful...it's just the time factor. I'm really restless at work. I sit here and think of all the things I could be doing at home. Hopefully with my graphic design class over I'll have more free time. Is it bad that I wish I would get laid off so I could have an excuse to be home working on my own stuff?
Scott is so supportive even though I detect his annoyance at the fact that our living room is filled with bags of flowers and boxes of shoes piled sky high...he's so good to me.
Here's a sampling of my stuff! You can see more at http://www.etsy.com/shop/PaisleyArtObjects?ref=ss_profile
I really want to sell my creations! I enjoy making them and put a lot of thought into everything I make. Everyone tells me I should/could be very successful...it's just the time factor. I'm really restless at work. I sit here and think of all the things I could be doing at home. Hopefully with my graphic design class over I'll have more free time. Is it bad that I wish I would get laid off so I could have an excuse to be home working on my own stuff?
Scott is so supportive even though I detect his annoyance at the fact that our living room is filled with bags of flowers and boxes of shoes piled sky high...he's so good to me.
Here's a sampling of my stuff! You can see more at http://www.etsy.com/shop/PaisleyArtObjects?ref=ss_profile
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Fairfield County Way
When most people think of Fairfield County, Connecticut they think of the life of the rich and leisurely - sweaters draped over shoulders, pepto bismol pink tennis skirts embroidered with tiny navy blue spouting whales. Some part of that conception is true and something I see everyday. The other part of that life is deeper and darker. What do those people do behind closed doors? Everything is different inside the golden cage. We are all in cages of our own making.
This weekend Scott and I went to the Dogwood Festival. It was basically a small local craft/antique fair in the Greenfield Hills neighborhood of Fairfield. Initially I wasn't looking forward to it but decided to go because I desperately needed to get out of the house and Scott wanted to prove that we don't always sit on the couch and watch tv. (I love this man so much. He would do anything to try and make me happy). We wandered beneath the flowering dogwood trees planted on this ancient town green and looked at the local art. We also did a fair bit of people watching and you guessed it, saw plenty of WASPy families enjoying the day - their children fresh from the face painting tent.
Can that idyllic life really be enough? Can any life really be enough? I was thinking about the past after we walked by a group of people dressed up as old colonial settlers. Back in the day people worked, struggled, worshipped God, had children, and died. We still do, we just don't have to struggle quite so much. Maybe we still do struggle but in different ways. Can that be all it really is? What are we here for? For these brief and fleeting moments of beauty, joy, and love? It seems like a whole lot of work for those short bursts, don't you think? Sometimes I really wish I could turn off my head.
Here is a song I'm listening to now. It tells me that life is not just a progression to the inevitable. Maybe there is more to it after all? http://grooveshark.com/s/We+Are+All+Made+Of+Stars/1ZlVyW?src=5
Anyway, below are some pictures of the day.
This weekend Scott and I went to the Dogwood Festival. It was basically a small local craft/antique fair in the Greenfield Hills neighborhood of Fairfield. Initially I wasn't looking forward to it but decided to go because I desperately needed to get out of the house and Scott wanted to prove that we don't always sit on the couch and watch tv. (I love this man so much. He would do anything to try and make me happy). We wandered beneath the flowering dogwood trees planted on this ancient town green and looked at the local art. We also did a fair bit of people watching and you guessed it, saw plenty of WASPy families enjoying the day - their children fresh from the face painting tent.
Can that idyllic life really be enough? Can any life really be enough? I was thinking about the past after we walked by a group of people dressed up as old colonial settlers. Back in the day people worked, struggled, worshipped God, had children, and died. We still do, we just don't have to struggle quite so much. Maybe we still do struggle but in different ways. Can that be all it really is? What are we here for? For these brief and fleeting moments of beauty, joy, and love? It seems like a whole lot of work for those short bursts, don't you think? Sometimes I really wish I could turn off my head.
Here is a song I'm listening to now. It tells me that life is not just a progression to the inevitable. Maybe there is more to it after all? http://grooveshark.com/s/We+Are+All+Made+Of+Stars/1ZlVyW?src=5
Anyway, below are some pictures of the day.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The brightly colored moth
Thinking about the things that I love.
I love doing things outside of the box to the vast disapointment of others (sometimes). I don't exactly try to do this on purpose, it's mostly just that the circumstances of my life have forced deviation from the norm which was upsetting when I was younger but not so much anymore. For example: My parents were divorced when I was young and my mom and I were alone, my sister being grown up and living her own life and all other family living far away/ my father's family being crazy. To combat the feeling of being alone, just two, we developed a tradition of going to art museums in various cities on the "family" holidays - Who needs huge families when you can have an "experience"?
One Easter Sunday we went to the MoMA when it was in Queens. We saw a Picasso-Matisse exhibit and then we had dinner at a fabulous Middle Eastern restaurant with glass evil eye tiles all over the floors and walls. It was magical and original and so much better than anything before my father left the picture. There would be no more 'sitting on Grandma's couch eating pink bunny shaped cookies, dying to go home' for us! (Thank God) This is how we went on. It was as though we said "If you have disrupture in your life, go with it, make it your own. Use this to your advantage." I embrace this.
So as you can imagine, I was so happy that Scott agreed to skip out on Easter at his mother's cousin's house and go into the city together for the weekend instead! New York City to be exact. (For all my non East Coast people -Everyone in the tri-state area just calls it "the city") It was refreshing to be out in the world doing something "else"! Even though circumstances have changed and there is now more that just me and my mother in the family I like being able to not get stuck in the boring holiday rut of drinking wine and sitting on couches talking to people you don't like that much "just because". I'm really trying not to always bend and end up doing things I don't want to do just to please other people. Sometimes you have to "just do you". My comfort level is being out in the world. Does that make sense?
Oh, all those years of feeling weird because it was just my mother and I on an adventure. Now, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for any bit of "normal". I could never go back to that kind of life. I hope Scott and his family don't mind. (We may have to miss some family functions, I hope that's ok.)
It was a wondeful weekend and really helped me recharge. Sunday was breezy and warm - finally Spring!
Below are a few pictures I took in Chinatown. The store is called "Pearl River". It's a huge three story building filled with gorgeous Chinese housewares, decor, etc. They even have a cafe and Asian market (my source for lavendar flavored gummy candies and crystalized ginger).
I love doing things outside of the box to the vast disapointment of others (sometimes). I don't exactly try to do this on purpose, it's mostly just that the circumstances of my life have forced deviation from the norm which was upsetting when I was younger but not so much anymore. For example: My parents were divorced when I was young and my mom and I were alone, my sister being grown up and living her own life and all other family living far away/ my father's family being crazy. To combat the feeling of being alone, just two, we developed a tradition of going to art museums in various cities on the "family" holidays - Who needs huge families when you can have an "experience"?
One Easter Sunday we went to the MoMA when it was in Queens. We saw a Picasso-Matisse exhibit and then we had dinner at a fabulous Middle Eastern restaurant with glass evil eye tiles all over the floors and walls. It was magical and original and so much better than anything before my father left the picture. There would be no more 'sitting on Grandma's couch eating pink bunny shaped cookies, dying to go home' for us! (Thank God) This is how we went on. It was as though we said "If you have disrupture in your life, go with it, make it your own. Use this to your advantage." I embrace this.
So as you can imagine, I was so happy that Scott agreed to skip out on Easter at his mother's cousin's house and go into the city together for the weekend instead! New York City to be exact. (For all my non East Coast people -Everyone in the tri-state area just calls it "the city") It was refreshing to be out in the world doing something "else"! Even though circumstances have changed and there is now more that just me and my mother in the family I like being able to not get stuck in the boring holiday rut of drinking wine and sitting on couches talking to people you don't like that much "just because". I'm really trying not to always bend and end up doing things I don't want to do just to please other people. Sometimes you have to "just do you". My comfort level is being out in the world. Does that make sense?
Oh, all those years of feeling weird because it was just my mother and I on an adventure. Now, looking back, I wouldn't trade that for any bit of "normal". I could never go back to that kind of life. I hope Scott and his family don't mind. (We may have to miss some family functions, I hope that's ok.)
It was a wondeful weekend and really helped me recharge. Sunday was breezy and warm - finally Spring!
Below are a few pictures I took in Chinatown. The store is called "Pearl River". It's a huge three story building filled with gorgeous Chinese housewares, decor, etc. They even have a cafe and Asian market (my source for lavendar flavored gummy candies and crystalized ginger).
Also, Can I just remind you to not let weird circustances be the only reason you do things outside the box? Deviation can be so refreshing!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Living the Dream
When I sit here in my office my mind will sometimes play tricks on me. I can stare off into space and imagine myself almost anywhere...Today I'll be thinking about Paris. It's been ten years since I was there. Ten years ago today I was at Monet's gardens at Giverney. It was snowing in Paris but Giverney was in full bloom. I can't even explain how that first experience of traveling to Europe changed my life. My eyes were opened.
"The poison was in the wound, you see."
My heart aches at the weirdness of life. Ten years ago today I would never have imagined myself sitting behind this desk -I had bigger better plans. And now I've broken my own heart with how things have turned out. I wanted something different for myself. But we all have our limitations. I have all the talent and none of the drive.
So what now...I wonder where I will be sitting 10 years from now today. What will I be looking back on then? What transformations will have taken place by that point. I know they will take place. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago and ten years from now I'll be different from today. Will I have children? Will I even have the time to reflect or will life become too hectic and busy for that. I can only wonder. When will I know what I want or will I wander through life without ever being able to make solid decisions.
What do I really love doing? Where is the joy in my life? What can I not live without?
"The poison was in the wound, you see."
My heart aches at the weirdness of life. Ten years ago today I would never have imagined myself sitting behind this desk -I had bigger better plans. And now I've broken my own heart with how things have turned out. I wanted something different for myself. But we all have our limitations. I have all the talent and none of the drive.
So what now...I wonder where I will be sitting 10 years from now today. What will I be looking back on then? What transformations will have taken place by that point. I know they will take place. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago and ten years from now I'll be different from today. Will I have children? Will I even have the time to reflect or will life become too hectic and busy for that. I can only wonder. When will I know what I want or will I wander through life without ever being able to make solid decisions.
What do I really love doing? Where is the joy in my life? What can I not live without?
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