I feel like I've wasted a lot of time doing things that make other people happy...and I'm done with that shit. I'm going to be a selfish bitch and do what I want.
Example? Grad School. I got a teaching degree because I was told that I was "good with kids and it would be a great job, great benies, summers off, etc." I hate teaching. It's a lot of work, exhausting work...and it sucks the life out of you until you become a robot. That was my feeling anyway. But yes, yes it was no one's fault but my own. I could have just studied graphic design and said fuck it to everyone else but I didn't. Stupid stupid!
But now? as I sit at my desk at my boring office job and feel reckless and the pull of regret all at the same time I'm reminded that it's never too late. Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was like 80 years old and at 27, it's not too late for me to become a graphic designer. And God dammit, I have talent that cuts right through my wasted years.
If I don't let myself be happy now, when?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Oh nerdy highschool days
When I was feeling particulary blue in high schools I'd post depressing song lyrics on my blog. So flashback 1999...
Belle and Sebastian - If she wants me
Wrote a letter on a nothing day.
I asked somebody, “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope.”
I said goodbye to someone that I love.
It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us.
And it was hard,
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy.
Someone above has seen me do alright.
Someone above is looking with a tender eye.
Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
And far away somebody read the letter.
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him.
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all your curious nerve and your passion.
I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy.
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all.
But life is good and it’s always worth living at least for a while.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Than take the baton, and girl, you better run with it.
'Cause there is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with.
I took a book and went into the forest.
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you.
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
Belle and Sebastian - If she wants me
Wrote a letter on a nothing day.
I asked somebody, “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope.”
I said goodbye to someone that I love.
It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us.
And it was hard,
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy.
Someone above has seen me do alright.
Someone above is looking with a tender eye.
Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
And far away somebody read the letter.
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him.
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all your curious nerve and your passion.
I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy.
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all.
But life is good and it’s always worth living at least for a while.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Than take the baton, and girl, you better run with it.
'Cause there is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with.
I took a book and went into the forest.
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you.
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine Haiku
When I think of you
A good man, warm, kind, loving
The best of all things!
I love you Scooter
A good man, warm, kind, loving
The best of all things!
I love you Scooter
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Haikus for Jews
Raabi called today
Are you converting or what?
Will Scott be happy?
Scott and I are getting married in October. At least we want to if we can find someone to marry us. Scott's Jewish and I'm a very very lapsed Catholic turned Baptist turned whatever. I don't want to be married by a justice of the peace, it seems "less official". Maybe that's the itty bitty piece of Catholic that I have left talking but that's how I feel. I want to be married by a religious figure of some variety. I've looked into converting to Judaism but it feels a little weird. How do you go from being one thing your whole life to being something else so suddenly and officially? How do you give up your beliefs and traditions (even if you didn't really believe in all of it)? Scott says he doesn't care what I do but I know deep down he does and I don't blame him. Don't you want your children to know "what" they are? If I become Jewish I will be doing it for all the wrong reasons but it will make Scott and his family happy. On the otherhand I will feel like I belong more than if I didn't convert. Is religion that important to me? Not really. But it seems weird to just jump on a different team when I never really cared about playing the game, even if that other teams wants me there.
Has anyone else out there been through this? Advice please!
Are you converting or what?
Will Scott be happy?
Scott and I are getting married in October. At least we want to if we can find someone to marry us. Scott's Jewish and I'm a very very lapsed Catholic turned Baptist turned whatever. I don't want to be married by a justice of the peace, it seems "less official". Maybe that's the itty bitty piece of Catholic that I have left talking but that's how I feel. I want to be married by a religious figure of some variety. I've looked into converting to Judaism but it feels a little weird. How do you go from being one thing your whole life to being something else so suddenly and officially? How do you give up your beliefs and traditions (even if you didn't really believe in all of it)? Scott says he doesn't care what I do but I know deep down he does and I don't blame him. Don't you want your children to know "what" they are? If I become Jewish I will be doing it for all the wrong reasons but it will make Scott and his family happy. On the otherhand I will feel like I belong more than if I didn't convert. Is religion that important to me? Not really. But it seems weird to just jump on a different team when I never really cared about playing the game, even if that other teams wants me there.
Has anyone else out there been through this? Advice please!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Haikus for you
So I decided that it's too much work to actually blog everyday. I'm not a very good writer - no elloquence or catchy turns of phrase. Instead, I've decided to write daily haikus. Poems with 3 lines - the first has 5 lines, the 2nd has 7, and the last has 5. Here goes-
Watched clocks tick slowly,
Wonders how it came to be,
How can she fix this?
Watched clocks tick slowly,
Wonders how it came to be,
How can she fix this?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Hoarders Buried Alive
Every time I watch more than five minutes of that Hoarders show I get all panic stricken and have to ask myself if I too am "one of those freaks". I get up and start de-cluttering the condo - especially my closet. Tonight was one of those nights. I am determined not to keep things that I don't want "just because" So...I tried on everything and got rid of half my closet - most of which will end up on ebay. I'm tired of things in my life that are "just ok" and that means my personal appearance, my career aspirations, etc. I want something better.
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