A stitch in my mouth

Sometimes I feel so socially retarted. For example, this whole weekend I had to go to family functions (Scott's family - not mine). I ALWAYS feel so out of place and bombarded when I'm with his family. They all hug and kiss eachother and I'm just so uncomfortable with that. My family just isn't like that. My mother and I don't even hug so it's just so strange to hug other people. Am I cold?

I don't know how to deal with this - I shut down and retreat into myself. And it's like they know I'm uncomfortable and force themselves on me all the more...it just makes me want to stay home.

Scott's sister's babyshower was yet another example of this. My mother and I chose a table on the far side of the room and Scott's mother's cousins came and sat with us. It was fine until one of them introduced herself to my mother. I didn't even think to introduce them because I couldn't remember if they had met before. My mother was like "OH, you're SO rude Katie!" and I said "Sorry, I thought you met eachother before..." So the whole day I had to go around introducing my mother to everyone and get bombarded with questions about my upcoming wedding. The same questions over and over again...

I know it means alot to Scott that I blend well with his family but I don't think I will ever be truly comfortable around them. I'm sensitive and manage to mask it with humor so they all think I'm much more solid and tough than I am. I don't think they ever consider that I may not be comfortable and don't want to be forced into conversation with people I hardly know.

I'm so upset because I know that our wedding will be the same way. Me being forced into an uncomfortable situation and worse because I'll be in the white dress. There's no escaping that. What can I do?

Let's get physical?

I know people that are only 60 years old and can barely walk and it scares the crap out of me. I want to live for a long time and that means taking better care of my body...I don't know why I'm feeling this way all of a sudden. Maybe I'm starting to feel my age creeping up on me. At 27 I am not as strong or energetic as I was at 20. I can feel the difference...Honestly, it's really hard to even think about being more active right now. We are both very busy people with our jobs and commutes but I feel like I have to try. I don't want to end up permanently damaging my health through inactivity - so making a conscious effort to become healthier has to start now.

I've started seriously working out and my body is aching so badly. It's a good ache though - not the ache of sitting in a chair all day long. Scott has been so supportive too! He goes to the gym with me every time I go (Though I suspect it is to make sure no one flirts with me). We had gotten into the habit of taking a walk after he picked me up at the train station which was nice and I enjoyed but it wasn't a real workout. So now we've started a routine of going to the gym for at least an hour a day, five days a week which is what I used to do once upon a time...

Back in the day I used to be able to do so much more physically. I was doing chest presses yesterday and was only lifting 60 pounds and I thought I was going to die - I used to be able to lift 100 pounds easily...well, I guess I'll just have to build up slowly.

I'll update on progress.

Can't Stop

I've been feeling physically kind of shitty lately. Every afternoon, around 3, I've been experiencing extreme exhaustion. I sleep a lot so I don't know why this has been happening... I put my head down on my desk today and felt sooo bad. I'm thinking that maybe it's because I don't take great care of my body. I sit at my desk all day and then go home and sit some more...I go to the gym like 2 or 3 times a week but that's really not enough to combat sitting all day. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something?

I did some research and bought some B12 and Folic Acid pills that might help with the exhaustion. We'll see what happens I guess. I don't know what else I can do right now except keep going.

Something like luck

I haven't written in awhile. I'm kind of in this lethargic mood. My brain is on sleep mode. I guess it's because I have a schedule that never deviates...I get up, get ready for work, hop on the train, hop on the shuttle, get to work, eat lunch, draw, answer the phone, get on the shuttle, get on the train again, go home and change for the gym, work out, come home, eat, shower, go to bed, repeat.

Yeah, I'm going to go back there again - is this all there really is? For now it is. Every moment can't be dazzling, can it? I can still dream. I am aware of how lucky I am to have a job at all in this economy...I see these desperate people who come off the streets and walk right into my office looking for work. I feel my luck and am grateful, believe me -life could be much worse. I know that my Master's degree isn't being used in the slighest but the fact that I have one is enough to keep me employed. It's my safety shield and my life preserver...I think my boss feels like he got a lot of "bang for his buck" in me, even though I'm not really using that "bang" so much these days.

It's not all that bad. Wedding plans keep me busy for most of the day. There is so much involved. Luckily I have a lot done already - my dress is hanging in my closet ready to go, we have the reception venue chosen, the flowers are taken care of, the dj, the caterer is booked, etc, etc. Now it's just the little things... We've decided not to take the cruise to Greece and Turkey. Instead we are flying to New Orleans and taking a cruise from there to Mexico, Peru, and Belize. I'm excited about laying on the beach all day and Scott is excited to see the Mayan temples. I'm probably most excited about finally getting to see New Orleans. There is a rich and sexy quality to that city that I want to explore. Who knows, I may convince Scott to move to the South after all.
Mexico...

Gorgeous moss covered trees, beautiful architecture...who wouldn't love this place?

Square Peg

I'm still sort of ashamed of myself about the whole 'not wanting to teach' thing. I mean, it is really embarassing, uncomfortable, and downright painful having to explain to people that I don't want to teach and that it was a lot more that I bargained for, too much in fact, and maybe a little bit too small of a role, all at the same time. They look at me like I'm a quitter or irresponsible or something. I'm fully aware of how foolish and childish I look. People probably think I'll just change my mind about it...like I always do about everything else. This is different. I know that teaching is not going to happen. I'm sure about this.

So what's Plan B? I guess it was never really Plan B in my heart. It was more of a Plan A that I repressed because I wanted to make everyone else happy and be a "respectable and contributing member of society with a real career". I am going to continue taking my graphic design classes and continue drawing and painting because that's what makes me happy and that is who I am.

Dare I say it? I am an artist. I was never meant for anything else. It sounds so silly to read those words out loud. I feel like a child saying "When I grow up I want to be an astronaut!" But, I guess some of the people that say that they want to be astronauts actually become astronauts when they grow up. This is no longer a childhood dream for me. I know how talented I am and I'm not going to waste it. Why can't anyone else see what I'm capable of? Why do people keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole just so they can feel better? I'm not afraid of my future so why should they be?

So for now? I keep working my day job in this gray corporate building. I pay off my student loans little by little. I keep working on my art, specifically my chess book and start looking for a publisher. My only option is to accept myself and use what God gave me and not repress and smother who I am and what I want for my life to satisfy other people's expectations.

And so, no one else is turning my screws but me.

The Bell Jar

In the book "The Bell Jar", the main character is a young college age girl. She's an overachiever and very smart. It's the 1960's and she is in New York City at a summer intership at some kind of "Better Homes and Gardens" type magazine. During the internship, she starts to feel this depression/panic closing in around her, covering her like a fly trapped inside a bell jar. She goes home expecting to get into this summer writing program and when she discovers that she didn't get into the program she has a total mental breakdown, the bell jar closing down upon her completely. It is only years later, after she's had intense therapy, that she realizes how bad things really were. The book ends with her being reminded that although the deep depression has lifted, it's always hovering somewhere nearby, waiting to come down upon her again.


Things are good right now. I'm over my funk of the last two weeks and am working on wedding plans, full speed ahead. I'm busy and happy and producing art but I know, I KNOW that the bell jar is waiting to come down again. I know that I won't ever be able to escape it. There is no cure, only management. It's so precarious. I feel like I'm running and my movement is the only thing that keeps me from falling, like riding a bike -an object in motion stays in motion.

I am told that my maternal grandmother was like me, very creative and suffered from depression. She was a total monster. I wonder what happened to her to turn her so wrong. I know she drank every night to medicate herself and my mother and her siblings suffered. I know that inside of me I have the potential to become that way but I'll never allow myself to get there. I was thinking about it - Would I give up the creativity if I could also get rid of the depression? Probably not. I know the burden of both but I could never live without either. I'm managing it I think.

Vitamin D

I got on the train yesterday feeling permanently bent into computer chair position, totally drained and nauscious. I had been raining for 12 days straight and I was wondering if it would ever end. But, thankfully, by the time I stepped off the train the sun had come out and it was warm and breezy. Scott was waiting to pick me up as usual, arm dangling ut the car window. We decided to go for a walk so I could stretch a little and get some sun. He parked downtown and after a quick trip to Dunkin for a coolatta, we walked through the side streets looking at houses. As we walked we started imagining what our dream house would look like and where it would be. We both agreed that we wanted to live in either Fairfield or Bethel on a quiet street where kids play outside unaffraid of traffic. On the top of my list of things I want in a house is a place where I can paint, prefferable a free standing building, like a barn. I also want an older house with lots of character - nothing after 1930. It must also have a porch, a room we can turn into a library (4 walls of built ins) and a decent sized yard. Everything else is negotiable on my part. What would you want in a dream house?

Below is my ultimate dream house - it's from the Father of the Bride movies. <3